As Usual.. my interview for the OTC failed.. haha..to tink i still cab down after onli like 2 hour in town juz to rush for the interview.. yet once again.. the result turned out to be the same.. i dare not ask for more.. cried on the bus.. which seems foolish..
Realli thanx alvin for the chocolate he got for me in australia..
Flashing back at my 17th years on earth... im really an ASSHOLE, BASTARD, LOSER, FAILURE..
No doubt, i have many frenz..but hu is actually true to me..i beginning to tink, tink and tink ..is like...i experiance many cases.. like im close wif somone.. VERY close.. yet.. one blink... he is like a complete stranger to me..just like dalbert.. i used to be very close wif him. yet.. what happened...we are totally a stranger now... even when we walk pass each other.. not even a hi!!! and many frenz i have made outside..how many of them actually stand by my side..i can easily count them by juz one hand..and those hu left. not even 10 people's hand can count them...all i need is not many frenz.. be it 1... whom realli is true to me...for my life.. yet.. haix.. many experiance just let me down once and again...without fail...
I have experiance many failure before.. yet ever since i came to poly.. i juz cant take the failure whereby it came and came without letting me to breathe for even 1 second...like dance...i put in a lot of effort and commit.. yet.. and OTC.. which i have juz mention above and more...they juz made me to be what i have been in the past...and all the up-coming projects and tests tat are pushing me to the cliff...and i realli got not enuff time for everything!!!!!
In the past.. im a introvert..far from what u can imagine i am.. i dun dare to talk to stranger at all even just ask for the time or direction.. i dun dare to buy food from canteen till pri 3 or 4 where i realli tried every hard to make my first step... i dun even dare to face my relatives...It all started becox of my low self esteem as my looks.. my studies.. and everything.. it wasn't good.. i got laughed.. even by my family.. i got no one to shared my problems too.. When i went out.. i juz tink tat everyone is staring at me.. everyone is laughing at me..i dun dare to go out. i dun dare to be alone outside.. even now..!!!
As i proceed to sec sch life..Things got a little better as i have started to changed my look.. i got into quite a few position..such as student council... but too me.. all seems a bit fake now...i got so many leadership roles in my sec sch yet in poly.. i kana rejected here and there... it juz seems tat i got into my leadership roles onli becox of my relationship.. i got NO CAPABILTIES! NO ABILITY!NOTHING!!!
Im always living in my self denial world... like i keep joking and pretend to be sociable.. and BHB by saying im good looking.. all seems so FAKE now!.. im juz trying to hide from my real self.. till now.. my low self esteem still remain as low..and i will nvr suceed in life! SMILE as if no business... like im realli happi. am i really tat happy??
Even if r/s, i dun realli look tat im blessed or loved or what...i realli dunno what i wan...im always the one at fault..Im always that BASTARD hu wanted to break.. im always the one hu doesn't wanna give in..
Whenever i have prob. there are only 3 people that comes to my mind.. thats.. willy.. edwin.. and clive... They are understanding.. willing to listen.. and always give me advise and be able to console me.. yet sometimes they are just not ard...
My darkest period for this year...is o lvl result... tat time is realli quite jia lat i tink.. crying every nite.. not letting anyone noes...nvr go visit ani relatives or frenz during new years... and whats worst.. i've tot of suiciding...i have disappointed almost everyone including myself and family..
There's also one mroe prob tat bothering almost every moment.. and i juz cant share wif selected people and it has bother me since 17 years.. haix...